Spoiler Alert: The afterlife

If you want to wait until you die to discover what the afterlife is like, stop reading now.

At the bowling alleys, they still spray disinfectant in the rental shoes.

You can get copies of O magazine without pictures of Oprah on the cover. Unfortunately, the content inside is the same.

Even here, everyone wants to tell you how you just have to read those damn Stieg Larsson novels, even though the first 50 pages of The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo made you want to staple your eyelids shut so you’d never have to read them again.

Roberto Bolano and David Foster Wallace are working on their next books.

No one ever gets voted off Afterlife’s Got Talent.

Pancakes don’t need syrup.

True Blood doesn’t start to suck until the fourth season.

That weird smell? It’s here, too.

This doesn’t exist.

Everyone is lactose intolerant.

It’s windy.

Elvis is here.

Tupac is not.

(In the next Spoiler Alert: I ruin the next Radiohead album.)